A Closer Look at Boundaries
Practicing healthy boundaries is crucial
As a mental health professional, it has been delightful to see the concept of boundaries becoming more mainstream. I certainly would have benefitted from a healthy understanding of boundaries back when I was a people-pleasing teenaged girl. But alas! I was in the dark around this crucial skill until I stumbled into a career wherein the comprehension and practice of good boundaries became imperative. But like other pop-psychology phrases such as narcissist and triggered, the popularity of the word boundaries doesn’t automatically lend to helpful behaviors.
Just last week, a beautiful quote showed up on one of my favorite pages, The Body is Not an Apology, created by the brilliant Sonya Renee Taylor. She posted a quote by Prentis Hemphill that said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
So very poignant and inspired, am I right? I was texting the screenshot to one of my besties when the exact same quote was texted to me by another dear friend. We all loved this quote. But still, what does it really mean? And how does one locate and spend more time at this magical distance from others?
Here is a bit about what I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, when it comes to the tricky and nuanced art of maintaining healthy boundaries:
Why establishing boundaries can be challenging
Boundaries can feel either foreign or counterintuitive as a result of trauma or general conditioning. Aces (Adverse Childhood Experiences Studies) show that a significant number of adults survived varying types and degrees of trauma during their formative years.
These statistics suggest that many folks grew up experiencing their needs being neglected or their physical or emotional boundaries being violated instead of being taught how to use their voices, honor their needs, and protect their wellbeing.
Without these skills being acceptable, much less not modeled, how then, can we expect ourselves to grow into adults who know how to do boundaries well? Likewise, conditioning refers to that which one learns is expected of them, either in their family or in their culture at large.
These directives show up in both implicit and explicit forms. Over time and unchecked, our conditioning has the power to shape what we think, how we behave, and even who we think we are. Not all of the typical conditioning out there is very boundary-friendly. So be kind to yourself if you’re still learning. Lots of us are.
As a personal example — remember that people-pleasing teen whom I previously mentioned, who I formerly was? Back then, I was conditioned to be accommodating.
The music, movies, shows, and advertisements painted women as beautiful and desirable but never assertive or *gasp* difficult.
When I did attempt to honor myself, like when I said “no” to a boy who was interested in me, or another time when I said “yes” to a boy with whom I was (obsessively) interested — both choices resulted in my being judged, berated, and ostracized by peers because I hadn’t behaved how others had wanted me to at the time.
I learned that to avoid harsh criticism it was best to try to figure out what would be most widely accepted, even if it meant abandoning myself in the process. Needless to say, that became a very painful time in my life.
Another reason that establishing healthy boundaries can be so difficult is that sometimes not having good boundaries helped someone survive their previous circumstances.
If someone grows up with a caregiver who is prone to fits of rage, becoming well attuned to said caregiver’s current mood would have helped the dependent child (or teen, or still dependent adult) keep themself safe.
Similarly, a caregiver, due to their own unresolved stuff, might withhold affection if their self-esteem needs weren’t adequately soothed. A survivor of this home might be wired to consistently attend to the egos of others, sometimes as intensely as if their lives depend on it. Back in that home, as a child with a valid and instinctual need for parental affection, their survival really did depend on their ability to attend to the needs of the other’s ego.
These patterns of being overly accommodating or, conversely, rigidly avoidant of closeness or interdependence — let’s just assume they developed for an understandable and honest reason. (Why give yourself this benefit of the doubt? Please see my article How To Cultivate a More Helpful Inner Dialog.)
From this assumption of goodness, you can be curious about the reasons for your patterns in relationships, as well as if as an adult who is navigating connection with other adults, the distance at which you currently attempt to do relationship is working out for you.
Caveat: Sometimes, we are so firmly identified with certain beliefs and patterns — or unconscious of their existence — that we may not know they exist, let alone how to change them. This is where the support of a therapist or mental health professional can be instrumental. With the guidance of a skillful outsider, we can come to see about ourselves that which had previously been hidden, in a safe and well-supported way. The results can be both illuminating and empowering. This applies to me, too.
I have undergone extensive training to help other people find their blind spots and connect the pieces of their puzzles. But I still need and benefit from the help of someone outside of myself in order to gain my own insight and self-awareness.
For me, that person is named Diana. And before Diana, her name was Julie. And before Julie, there was Katharine. I digress. I just want to be clear that I’ve had a lot of outside help.
Why practicing healthy boundaries is important
Now that I’ve established why boundary-setting can be so hard, let us attend to why this practice is super important. This will provide the motivation we need to persevere.
For one thing, setting our boundaries as adults is something that no one else can or should do for us. Being human and doing relationships is deeply personal — only you can determine where your boundaries should be with whom. And then you get to feel proud of yourself for learning how to do this so well.
This brings me to self-esteem. Boundaries have a symbiotic relationship with self-esteem. The more self-esteem we have, the better our ability to assert good boundaries. The better able to assert boundaries we become, the more self-esteem we grow to enjoy.
I like to call this an upward spiral — this elicits the joy and triumph of rising, as in up and out of whatever chaos you’re on your way to overcoming.
Example: Let’s say I’m in the early days of quitting a well-established habit with booze. At the beginning of this journey, my confidence in being able to make such a big change is pretty fragile. This is probably not the best time to go to my local Happy Hour with colleagues or friends, where I will try, hanging on with my fingernails, to abstain from drinking. The boundary I need to protect my intention is somewhere between me and that Happy Hour.
A year into this journey, however, I’ve gained some momentum. I’ve acquired more skills and experienced some solid success, which brings some confidence and well-earned pride around my ability to abstain. Now, if I felt moved to drop in on the Happy Hour to be social and enjoy the connection and what have you, I am much more likely to be successful in maintaining the boundary between me and the booze itself.
I wouldn’t have gotten to the place where I could go to the Happy Hour and honor my boundary with alcohol if I hadn’t established the firmer boundary the year before when I had first begun. That very strong boundary way back then helped protect my budding self-esteem around this issue. It kept me safe enough to keep growing in the direction I wanted to grow.
The most basic importance of boundaries is simply that without them, we aren’t safe.
Boundaries in the Mind: Past Research and Future Directions point out that, “In general, we suggest that thick boundaries are more helpful at times of war, threat, or danger. In fact societies or groups that feel threatened or in constant danger, for whatever reason, tend to develop thicker boundaries. Thin boundaries are more helpful, or perhaps simply more possible when there is less danger and we can ‘let go.’”
Our need for safety is foundational to all the other ways in which we innately strive for self-actualization.
Beyond safety, boundaries allow us to enjoy a deeper and more unencumbered connection. With this healthy division between ourselves and others, our relationships become unburdened by preoccupation around whether or not we are safe or how to establish our safety. We simply know we are safe because our boundaries make it so. Simply put; we want to be separate enough to be safe, and safe enough to enjoy the connection.
For me, the most rewarding function of boundaries has been the deepening and broadening reaches of my empathy and compassion for others. When I set out to practice good boundaries in sync with my own development of self-esteem, I thought I was motivated by self-love and self-preservation.
Paradoxically, what I’ve gained from this healthy distance is a spaciousness that allows for tremendous and earnest goodwill towards others — even those I’d have struggled to feel kindness towards in the past. Keeping myself truly safe — physically, emotionally, and spiritually — has led to my capacity to feel loving-kindness for more other beings than I’d ever dreamed possible.
Because we are intricately woven together in an unimaginable web of interdependence, a single individual’s ability to honor oneself simultaneously benefits the wellbeing of the ginormous, collective whole. It’s pretty spectacular. Take excellent care of yourself = make the world a better place.
Setting one’s boundaries shouldn’t ever violate someone else
This might be confusing for anyone who’s been conditioned to feel over-entitled or over-responsible. I’m guessing that articles about boundaries are generally more highly consumed by those of the latter group. Either way, this is where loving-guidance around finding our blindspots can come in quite handy. This is also where implementation can get tricky.
An oversimplified clarification might sound like this: We are not beholden to do things for other people, nor are we responsible for other people’s feelings.
When we do things for others that they are capable of doing or prevent them from having feelings they are capable of and might benefit from having, we actually get in the way of their progress by impeding on their autonomy.
What’s left over, then, is that instead of coming from a place of obligation, which leads to resentment, is that I get to make decisions based on voluntary goodwill. I get to feel altruistic instead of resentful.
Putting boundaries into action
Examples of boundaries I learned in my early to mid-twenties when I was a single and child-free individual —
When my friends, who mostly worked nine to five on Monday-Friday, stayed out late on Friday and Saturday nights, I learned how to cut my evenings shorter than theirs. I was waiting tables starting before 7 am Saturday and Sunday mornings, so despite their egging me on to stay, I had to learn how to disappoint them, soothe my FOMO, and get my ass in bed so I didn’t feel like hell the next day.
When asked to pick up an extra shift for a coworker in need of coverage, I had to assess, realistically, how being agreeable would play out for me. Already stretched very thin, I realized that despite my desire to come through for my coworkers, if I said “yes” only to feel overwhelmed, burnt out, and then resentful, the relationship would be more strained than if I just respectfully said, “I can’t do it.”
On the nights that I did stay out with friends, I learned how to say “no” when being pressured to be sexual by someone with whom I didn’t want to engage. This meant getting comfortable with others being disappointed or sometimes downright mean. I had to figure out that being okay with myself was more important than being accepted by or pleasing to others.
Examples of boundaries I’m learning now as a middle-aged, married, professional, and parent —
Despite feeling honored by the opportunities to socialize, I’m learning to be mindful of my commitment-to-energy ratio. I can’t make so many plans that I don’t have time to hang around all sloth-like in my pajamas, talk to my houseplants and rearrange my rock collection. Yes, I do those things. It recharges me to relax like this, but I wouldn’t have the time to do it if I didn’t have decent boundaries.
When it comes to disclosures between friends, I practice the “share-check-share” model. This means that I reveal a tiny, minuscule portion of a vulnerable topic, and then watch the response before deciding whether or not to share more. I might make a very general, superficial comment about my sexuality, for example, and check for eye contact and reciprocating disclosure to help gauge whether this is a friendship in which sex-lives will be discussed.
I don’t spend time with mutual acquaintances, be they friends of family members or friends of friends, whom I’ve deemed as unsafe or severely uncomfortable. If I’ve had experiences with folks whose lack of ethics or moral integrity makes me feel tense, nervous, or angry, I can communicate to my friend or family member that I’m not willing to engage with the third party.
I can’t tell my friends or family members with whom they can associate or hang around. But the more safety I can establish around myself, the more empathy and curiosity I can hold around those who participate in that which feels bad to me.
In conclusion
Boundaries are challenging, but they’re also crucial. Be curious and self-compassionate around the reality of your current level of safety combined with your history of conditioning — family of origin and cultural messages. There are tangible actions we can take to practice good boundaries. And we can expect, like anything else we practice, it will get easier over time.
It’s an investment in more sustainable well-being for you and a healthier world for all. My teenaged self is so grateful to have become an adult who is secure enough to talk to plants — all thanks to the art of good boundaries.